Breakfast with Bwana

FUNG YOU:


Sometimes, people insult you. Sometimes, they hurt your feelings. This morning I did not know whether to feel insulted or hurt. Or, should I feel both insulted and hurt?

Like the rest of you, I have received my share of spam emails touting everything from porn and erectile dysfunction remedies to Nigerian banking scams (of course, the Nigerians ain't got nothin' on AIG). I have received spam about winning TV sets, automobiles, vacations, and all kinds of propositions for dating services and auto warranties.

This morning took the cake. I received an email titled "Embarrassed by nail fungus." The absence of the question mark and the unlikely subject made me think it was one of my ding-bat buddies with another funny piece. So I opened it.

It was real. This was really -- and seriously -- an email about toe nail fungus. If I wasn't embarrassed before, I sure am now. Look, I don't mind the deflating innuendo about being asked if I want a hush hush prescription for an erectile dysfunction remedy. Indeed, I have never paused to consider that sending me those emails was anything but a random event. In other words, I didn't turn around and ask "Hey, honey, have you been doing any surveys about what makes women happy?"

Talking about what makes women happy, over the years, I've seen my share of Cosmopolitan Magazine covers touting stuff like "Six Macrame Projects You Can Do In The Jacuzzi." Why do women read that kind of stuff? Maybe that's why they don't get the science and math stuff. Pssst.... Larry Summers, pay attention ... we may be on to something.

In all the years, I have never heard an announcement from my wife like "Honey, hand me my needlepoint bag, I'm going to take a tub."

So, she's not a suspect for having gotten me on to the ED or, indeed, the toe nail fungus spam lists. Also, I haven't seen any magazines with cover stories titled "How to help your mate understand toe nail fungi."

No, I don't have toe nail fungus. In fact, I don't even like the subject. I am not one of those people who likes to go to the local nail salon run by our Vietnamese friends and have my nails cut or polished. I don't like manicures or pedicures because I don't like the idea of someone playing with my hands or feet. I use a simple toe nail clipper and that is that.

So, I get this email asking about toe nail fungus. The message began with: "What if we told you that there was finally relief for those suffering from the embarrassment of nail fungus?"

What if, indeed. I don't give a rat's patuzzi.

It is not clear what they were selling, but the email promises that FungiStat is the same formulation and strength as FungX.

Really? How charming.

But, why me? I'd almost rather get the ED emails -- at least they are suggesting that I might think that someone might want me to use the stuff.

I was so ticked off that I sent a reply to the email.

My message was simple. It said: "Fung You."

Cheerz....Bwana

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Just to lighten your day ---

Because he was going to inherit a fortune when his
sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed
a woman to enjoy it with.

Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose
beauty took his breath away.

"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to
her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and
I'll inherit 20 million dollars and would like to have
someone to share it with."

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day
she became his stepmother.

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Here's a heart warming, and hand chilling story:

washingtonpost.com
Fingertip Found in Wendy's Chili at Calif. Franchise

By Brian Skoloff
Associated Press
Thursday, March 24, 2005; 10:39 PM

A woman said she bit into a partial finger served in a bowl of chili at a Wendy's restaurant, leading authorities to a fingerprint database Thursday to determine who lost the digit.

The incident Tuesday night at a San Jose, Calif., Wendy's restaurant left the unidentified customer ill and distraught, said Joy Alexiou, a spokeswoman for the Santa Clara County Health Department.

Employees at the Wendy's were checked and the fingertip didn't come from any of them, officials said, adding that the well-cooked finger may have come from a food processing plant that supplies the company.

Denny Lynch, a spokesman for Wendy's International Inc., based in Dublin, Ohio, said there have been no reports to the Occupational Safety and Health Administration of injuries at any supplier of chili ingredients to Wendy's.

"All of our chili suppliers report no accidents," he said.

Health officials said the fingertip was approximately 1 1/2 inches long. They believe it belongs to a woman because of the long, manicured nail.

Investigators seized the remaining chili and closed the restaurant for a few hours.

Alexiou said the woman, who asked officials not to identify her, is at minimal risk of contracting illnesses from the finger because the chili was cooked.

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Now, this got me thinking that if you went to a fried chicken place and found a mouse instead of chicken (it's allegedly happened) would you rather have Kentucky Fried Mouse or get a chili finger from Wendy's?

What gets me is that someone is checking a fingerprint database. I mean, all fingers at Wendy's are accounted for. But, what if someone had six fingers? Been known to happen.

I think I'll write to Tom DeLay, Dennis Hasturd, Bob Frist, and the two Bushes, DC and Fla. to see if they can construct some idiotic legislation about the need to have OSHA make sure that all body parts are logged and inventoried and give customers the right to petition the federal courts to get an order to find out who gave them the finger. It's the least we can do for the digital age.

Cheerz....Bwana
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It had been a long trial. The presentations had been complex and tedious, the witnesses long-winded and even more tedious. The courtroom was still hot, and as is more true of public buildings than any other, there was an utter lack of humidity. The static electricity that this caused as one rubbed against anything at all, was the only electricity in the room.

The judge intoned: "Okay, Counsel, so you rest. Is there anything further? ... No? Very well, then. Members of the jury, counsel have rested. There is nothing further. Well, nothing further by way of evidence. Now, we will proceed to closing arguments. This is an opportunity for counsel to sum up the evidence and present their view of how they suggest you should see the case. However, while you should pay attention to the arguments of counsel, they are not evidence, but simply the attorneys' summation of the evidence from their point of view. Alright then, Counselor Bwana, you go first, you're at bat, so to speak."

I stood and walked to the front of the jury box trying to finish off the menthol-eucalyptus lozenge I had unwrapped in a desperate attempt to compensate for the dryness of the room and the dryness of the judge.

"May it please the court. Members of the jury ...."

"Er... Excuse me counsel, will you approach the bench?"

What is going on? I haven't done ANYTHING ... yet. I look at my shoes ... no, the laces are tied. I do a surreptitious check of my fly ... the zipper is fine.

I get to the side of the bench and opposing counsel sidles up, pouring out of his amply filled garment that once looked like a suit.

"Counselor Bwana, what were you eating just before you started?"

"Oh, your Honor, that was a throat lozenge, one of those menthol-eucalyptus ones."

"Counselor, there will be no performance enhancing products used in this courtroom. I don't want you having an unfair advantage over your opponent. I don't care if it is dry in here. What we want is a clean trial here, lawyers using their natural abilities uncluttered with artificial medications and over-the-counter products to make it easier to speak to juries and fool them into believing that your eloquence is not fostered by cough drops. Lozenges ... hmmm ... there'll be none of that in this court. We'll take a break for 15 minutes and let the effects wear off before we resume."

Oh Mercy! But hadn't the judge said I was up at bat, so to speak? Gee, I don't think menthol-eucalyptus lozenges enhance reasoning power or speaking ability. But, I suppose it's a bad influence on first and second year law students to let them think that cough drops will make them incipient Clarence Darrows.

So, here's a little something about those who really get up to bat:

Congressmen ask "Did you take steroids?"
Players squirm, inflaming hemmorhoids.

Each one disclaims - he's not like Jose:
"I'm sorry, Sir. My lips are sealed
I won't say who was juiced on the field
But I promise it didn't affect their play."

These guys shouldn't be counted heroes
So much money makes them go whacko
As role models, they are proved zeroes
Or maybe it's just the chewing tobacco?

For every question McGwire avoids
Bet he wishes he'd instead sucked Altoids.


You be the judge. So to speak.

Cheerz....Bwana

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Breakfast with Bwana

MARCH 8, 2005

BOEING, BOEING, BOING - ROMANCING THE STONECIPHER:


"In retrospect," the independent investigator stated, "someone in Boeing management should have taken earlier notice when the posting appeared on the Company's internal electronic bulletin board." The investigator was referring to the "Personals" section of Boeing's main corporate email and communications system, not the encrypted e-mail facility used for exchanges with the Pentagon on sensitive matters.

"Well, since our code of conduct did not actually prohibit affairs between employees, we thought it was okay to let employees post personals, a sort of added benefit, if you will" said Lewis E. Platt, Chairman of Boeing.

When asked if setting up a listing section for "EXECUTIVES SEEKING EXECUTIVES" was an appropriate action for a company that had just gone through the ethical ringer, Mr. Platt snarled and tried to swallow the reporter's microphone.

So, what was the ad? Well, as best as can be reconstructed, it said:

"MWM Executive, spry 68, well heeled, in current relationship of 50 years which has had some stress (entirely of my own making) seeking a mutually enriching, enjoyable relationship with a woman of grace, intelligence, vitality, and preferably not located in company's Chicago HQ. Prefer executive level companion. Interests include company management, compliance, ethics enforcement, cleanup, and jet setting sexual adventure. Please respond via email to HatchetHarry@boeing.come."

Now, seriously folks, what is going on here? Harry Cipherbrains Rockhead, is 68 years old, has two kids, a marriage of 50 years, earns $1.5 million base, with an expected bonus of $1.5 million, gets pension payments of $638,000 from his previous stint as CEO, owns over $102 million worth of Boeing stock, and he's writing lurid and graphic emails on the company's open email system. And his response is: "I violated my own standards. I showed poor judgment." In what respect? By having an affair with a fellow employee? Or, was it the writing of the graphic email? What standards? No, it wasn't poor judgment. It was priceless stupidity.

I mean, has this feces-for-brains fellow not heard of AOL at $15-25 a month? Or, more appropriately, that he could have gotten stupidshit@hotmail.com for free?

Two positives here. First, Carly Fiorina will not be following Cipher. Why not? Well, Lewis Platt was asked by the Hewlett Packard board to step aside so that Carly Fiorina could succeed -- or should I say, "fail" -- him. Second, one might laud the Boeing board for taking swift action and not letting yet another ethically challenged executive cast a pall on its affairs. Not that Boeing is an outstanding or upstanding company -- the misconduct in which it has engaged is extensive and wide-ranging.

The real problem is not that Hatchet Harry is gone. The problem is that despite this nonsense, he'll be paid millions of dollars in a severance package, and no one stops to say that what is wrong with much of American business is that we have morons running companies and being paid way too much to do it.

The aforementioned Fiorina is fired and gets millions of dollars for having ruined a decent company. Then, they float a balloon saying she should head the World Bank. Give me a break.

In an ongoing saga, the Royal Dutch/Shell Group reported on its shell game -- it had overstated its oil and gas reserves by 41% which means falsely reporting some $150 billion of reserves (over $250 billion at today's prices) which it did not have. For this, the company fired 5 executives and paid $150 million in fines.

Scrushy, Ebbers, Haddock, Biogen, Kozlowski ... just a few of the names involved with fraud or other allegations of ethical lapses in today's news. An altogether unpleasant undertone to what we have allowed our business leaders to become.

Soon enough, the object of Mr. feces-for-brains Stonecipher's affection will be identified. When that happens, I sure hope she doesn't look like an airbus.

Cheerz....Bwana

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