Breakfast with Bwana

It had been a long trial. The presentations had been complex and tedious, the witnesses long-winded and even more tedious. The courtroom was still hot, and as is more true of public buildings than any other, there was an utter lack of humidity. The static electricity that this caused as one rubbed against anything at all, was the only electricity in the room.

The judge intoned: "Okay, Counsel, so you rest. Is there anything further? ... No? Very well, then. Members of the jury, counsel have rested. There is nothing further. Well, nothing further by way of evidence. Now, we will proceed to closing arguments. This is an opportunity for counsel to sum up the evidence and present their view of how they suggest you should see the case. However, while you should pay attention to the arguments of counsel, they are not evidence, but simply the attorneys' summation of the evidence from their point of view. Alright then, Counselor Bwana, you go first, you're at bat, so to speak."

I stood and walked to the front of the jury box trying to finish off the menthol-eucalyptus lozenge I had unwrapped in a desperate attempt to compensate for the dryness of the room and the dryness of the judge.

"May it please the court. Members of the jury ...."

"Er... Excuse me counsel, will you approach the bench?"

What is going on? I haven't done ANYTHING ... yet. I look at my shoes ... no, the laces are tied. I do a surreptitious check of my fly ... the zipper is fine.

I get to the side of the bench and opposing counsel sidles up, pouring out of his amply filled garment that once looked like a suit.

"Counselor Bwana, what were you eating just before you started?"

"Oh, your Honor, that was a throat lozenge, one of those menthol-eucalyptus ones."

"Counselor, there will be no performance enhancing products used in this courtroom. I don't want you having an unfair advantage over your opponent. I don't care if it is dry in here. What we want is a clean trial here, lawyers using their natural abilities uncluttered with artificial medications and over-the-counter products to make it easier to speak to juries and fool them into believing that your eloquence is not fostered by cough drops. Lozenges ... hmmm ... there'll be none of that in this court. We'll take a break for 15 minutes and let the effects wear off before we resume."

Oh Mercy! But hadn't the judge said I was up at bat, so to speak? Gee, I don't think menthol-eucalyptus lozenges enhance reasoning power or speaking ability. But, I suppose it's a bad influence on first and second year law students to let them think that cough drops will make them incipient Clarence Darrows.

So, here's a little something about those who really get up to bat:

Congressmen ask "Did you take steroids?"
Players squirm, inflaming hemmorhoids.

Each one disclaims - he's not like Jose:
"I'm sorry, Sir. My lips are sealed
I won't say who was juiced on the field
But I promise it didn't affect their play."

These guys shouldn't be counted heroes
So much money makes them go whacko
As role models, they are proved zeroes
Or maybe it's just the chewing tobacco?

For every question McGwire avoids
Bet he wishes he'd instead sucked Altoids.


You be the judge. So to speak.

Cheerz....Bwana

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