Breakfast with Bwana

FUNG YOU:


Sometimes, people insult you. Sometimes, they hurt your feelings. This morning I did not know whether to feel insulted or hurt. Or, should I feel both insulted and hurt?

Like the rest of you, I have received my share of spam emails touting everything from porn and erectile dysfunction remedies to Nigerian banking scams (of course, the Nigerians ain't got nothin' on AIG). I have received spam about winning TV sets, automobiles, vacations, and all kinds of propositions for dating services and auto warranties.

This morning took the cake. I received an email titled "Embarrassed by nail fungus." The absence of the question mark and the unlikely subject made me think it was one of my ding-bat buddies with another funny piece. So I opened it.

It was real. This was really -- and seriously -- an email about toe nail fungus. If I wasn't embarrassed before, I sure am now. Look, I don't mind the deflating innuendo about being asked if I want a hush hush prescription for an erectile dysfunction remedy. Indeed, I have never paused to consider that sending me those emails was anything but a random event. In other words, I didn't turn around and ask "Hey, honey, have you been doing any surveys about what makes women happy?"

Talking about what makes women happy, over the years, I've seen my share of Cosmopolitan Magazine covers touting stuff like "Six Macrame Projects You Can Do In The Jacuzzi." Why do women read that kind of stuff? Maybe that's why they don't get the science and math stuff. Pssst.... Larry Summers, pay attention ... we may be on to something.

In all the years, I have never heard an announcement from my wife like "Honey, hand me my needlepoint bag, I'm going to take a tub."

So, she's not a suspect for having gotten me on to the ED or, indeed, the toe nail fungus spam lists. Also, I haven't seen any magazines with cover stories titled "How to help your mate understand toe nail fungi."

No, I don't have toe nail fungus. In fact, I don't even like the subject. I am not one of those people who likes to go to the local nail salon run by our Vietnamese friends and have my nails cut or polished. I don't like manicures or pedicures because I don't like the idea of someone playing with my hands or feet. I use a simple toe nail clipper and that is that.

So, I get this email asking about toe nail fungus. The message began with: "What if we told you that there was finally relief for those suffering from the embarrassment of nail fungus?"

What if, indeed. I don't give a rat's patuzzi.

It is not clear what they were selling, but the email promises that FungiStat is the same formulation and strength as FungX.

Really? How charming.

But, why me? I'd almost rather get the ED emails -- at least they are suggesting that I might think that someone might want me to use the stuff.

I was so ticked off that I sent a reply to the email.

My message was simple. It said: "Fung You."

Cheerz....Bwana

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