Breakfast with Bwana

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BWEST OF BWANA
AN OCCASIONAL BREAKFAST WITH BWANA FEATURE
February 3, 2007
THE PRESIDENT’S SECRET MESSAGE ON GLOBAL WARMING




President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney, in a photo op event designed to rally support for the war on global warming appeared in polar bear costumes on glacial ice in the Bering Sea. The President’s helicopter, waiting nearby to carry them back to Air Force One, created the choppiness of the waves in the background.






President Bush may be a slow learner, but he is a learner. No longer is global warming on the back burner. No Sir, he is not going to let Al Gore score an Inconvenient Triumph at this late date. How do I know? Bwana has come into possession of a still secret draft of the President’s message on GLOBAL WARMING. It was dropped off to Bwana by a courier riding a scooter which was leaking a little oil and spewing a lot of exhaust gas, and it – the secret draft, I mean – is HOT HOT HOT.

The President’s message begins with the declaration: “My fellow Americans, I am here to announce that there is another war to be fought. First, I want to say that I appreciate the pleasure with which Vice President Dick Cheney has assisted me in making plans for this new war. In fact, he has forgone two hunting trips, much to the relief of some trial lawyers. Second, I want to express my appreciation to the Vice President for agreeing to go to Oklahoma on a personal visit to Senator Jim Inhofe to deliver my strong admonition that ignorance in the face of information is the trait of a closed mind.

The President’s message continues:

My fellow citizens of America, members of the Democrat Party, and leaders and citizens of the free world, and I must say my message is also for the benefit of those who are not a part of the free world, whether they are part of the axis of evil or part of the fledgling new democracies that our brave soldiers and troops and armed forces, who are in harm’s way, have been taking the lead in creating.

I have concluded that it is time for us to act. Although I do not read the newspapers, Laura has been reading some of the reports on Global Warming to me. Sometimes, when Laura is busy, Barney will go on the paper to highlight a particular story that I should read. You see, I sometimes feel that Laura and Barney are the only ones who care about me. And then, when Laura is not around, it’s just Barney. But, I digress.

This realization came to me when I discovered that Crawford is no longer the cool place it once was. Even Condi asked if we could meet in Palo Alto, closer to her old stomping grounds at Stanford and Don Rumsfeld – my, I do miss my old friend – wanted to meet at his new multi-million dollar waterfront estate in Maryland, rather than coming to Crawford for Christmas dinner. Then I looked around for reasons why Crawford is no longer a cool place and I noticed that Barney was dribbling all over The Nyoo Yawk Times. Barney is good about that, he has NEVER liked The Nyoo Yawk Times and its liberal bias. Sometimes I think they are throwing little neeyukiller barbs at me when they pick on me. Actually this time, Barney was drawing my attention to the article about the UN panel’s report on Global Warming. Thank the Lord that Kofi “Cupcake” Annan is gone and we have a South Korean Secretary General who understands that the axis of evil regime in PingPong (ed. he meant Pyongyang) cannot be allowed to have neeyukiller weapons of mass destruction, including The New York Times. But I digress. I did not have to look at The Nyoo Yawk Times since Laura had already read the story to me from Wapo (ed. he meant The Washington Post) and you can see it here. Far be it from me to put a link to the liberal rag out of Nyoo Yawk. Not that Wapo is much better, if you ask me, although I kinda like that Krautwhacker (ed. he meant Krauthammer) guy and that Flip Wilson fellow is on the right side (ed. he meant George F. Will).

So, my fellow Americans and members of the Democrat Party and members of the world, in whatever party or axis you may be. We need to bring this to a halt. We are going to have to take Global Warming off the back burner and turn up the heat in the kitchen. The first thing is that we have asked the CIA to conduct an intelligence audit of all known information. I have called on former Secretaries of State Henry Kissinger and Colin Powell, to present our case to the United Nations that China cannot be allowed to have any more automobiles because they are weapons of mass destruction in this war. Our first goal is to ensure that General Motors and Ford which elect their directors by a democratic vote of shareholders who appoint the officers – much like our electoral college which I sincerely appreciate – can survive the onslaught of claims brought on by runaway entitlements programs and benefits created by undemocratic forces in the union movement. In order to overcome the effects of this axis of laborers, we must see the need to allocate all future automobile quotas to GM and Ford. Hence, China cannot have any more automobiles. This will help cut down fuel use emissions for these cars from China so that we may safely use them for transportation in the United States.

Some might ask how and why we came to this conclusion about the need to take action against China. Well, as former Secretary Colin Powell was preparing a speech to be given to the United Nations, he said to me “You know Mr. President, the first part of ‘Global War-ming’ is ‘Global War’ so we may have a case for turning up the temperature here, so to speak.”

Well, I almost could not contain myself as I saw a revelation almost as if God was talking to me. So I turned to Henry Kissinger and said “Henry, what was one of the famous Chinese dynasties?” Henry almost peed his pants, right there in the oval spot in the Oval Office. Gosh, he reminds me so much of Barney. He practically shouted, “Mr. President, are you thinking what I am thinking? Why it is ze Ming dynasty! Mr. President, say you are thinking what I am thinking?” And I said, “Yes Henry, it is a sign from God that we need to take a strong stand against the Chinese and that this emission of methane and carbon dioxide came from the Chinese since the Ming dynasty … I mean ‘Global War MING’ Henry – could there be a clearer message from God?” Henry said, “You have got it, Mr. President, GLOBAL WAR MING!!! Hahaha, hahaha, Mr. President,” he roared. Henry went on: “Mr. President, it is shocking to think of how much methane and carbon dioxide a billion Chinese must fart everyday! Even Nixon never got that far.” And my friends, Henry laughed and when Henry Kissinger laughs, even The New York Times should report that.

My fellow Americans – and this is not for the rest of you to listen to – I have my legacy to protect and I don’t want to go down as the first President who couldn’t stand the heat in Crawford.
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That my friends, is how decisions get made.

Cheerz…Bwana

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// posted by Bwana @ 2:47 PM 2 comments

January 1, 2007

ANNUS HORRIBILIS

2006 is drawing to a close, a truly annus horribilis for many.

Some of you may recall the description “annus horribillis” from HM QE II’s annual mumbling – a sort of State of the Union Jack speech she chirps out around Christmas: "1992 is not a year I shall look back on with undiluted pleasure. In the words of one of my more sympathetic correspondents, it has turned out to be an 'annus horribilis'". Koficupcake Annan also used those words to describe 2004 without confessing whether the greasy look came from corruption in the oil for food scandal.

Yes, 2006 was an annus horribilis for George Bush who got his knickers in a knot over Saddam Hussein. And it was an annus horribilis for Saddam Hussein who got his neck in a knot as a result. Some days, you get up thinking it’ll be Sunni but you end up feeling like Shiite.

It has been reported that Saddam’s farewell letter to the Iraqi people, included (according to the translation in The Washington Post) the touching sentimental words: "I say goodbye to you, but I will be with the merciful God who helps those who take refuge in Him and God won't disappoint any honest believer."

Ah, but what of Dubya who believes that God put him here to fight this war at this time in this place? Does an honest believer have to surge once more to prove his belief?

Or is God just laughing her head off, having disappointed Saddam notwithstanding his claim to be an “honest believer?” Is God also laughing her head off at Dubya, having put Nancy Pelosi ahead of Condoleezza Rice in the Presidential succession line up?

Wouldn’t it be a gas if Nancy Pelosi, through some quirk of fate were to become the first woman President? That’d sure get Hillary’s knickers in a knot who has had her own Annus Horribilis with Barack Obama’s having sprung a charisma leak.

On the international stage, Tony Blair is hearing the blare of truth as his unintelligent twisting of intelligence makes him look like a Union Jackass. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is holding the whole world at bay as if they think he is radioactive. Come to think of it … hmmm.

So many people of note passed – some of advancing age, but altogether too many killed by violence in Iraq, Afghanistan, Darfur, Lebanon, Israel, Palestine and elsewhere.

2006 is not a year we will miss. I remain optimistic. Things can’t get worse, can they?

Well, in wishing you (and myself) well in 2007, I just pause to reflect that the country is being run by an anus horribilis.

Happy New Year!

Cheerz … Bwana.

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Today, The NYT has an article – mostly fluff – asking whether the country is ready for either a woman (Hillary Clinton) or an African-American (Barack Obama) to be President.

Someone other than a white male as President?


A friend in England asked me how realistic it is to expect a Hillary presidency. Here is my answer:

I think the issue of how realistic her potential Presidency is, has to be answered in two parts.

1. Given the way the US political system works, the two major parties will nominate their candidates for the Presidency. Barring some cataclysmic change – never happened before – one of these two will be President. (NB - these points are obvious to Americans but not a part of everyday awareness for people in UK).

So, the real question is whether Hillary can win the Democratic party’s nomination. The answer to that is clearly yes. She has ENORMOUS support and ENORMOUS money. The liberals will find her completely acceptable and Bill Clinton has built a HUGE reservoir of goodwill among the African-American and Hispanic communities. Three roadblocks for her are

i. her unyielding support for the war in Iraq (she’s tried to distance herself by saying it was poorly executed) is going to become a big negative and I don’t see much forgiveness in the American people unless it is managed carefully from a PR perspective (i.e., a big splash about how it was “Patriotic” to support the President, the Troops, AND the concept of America’s goal to improve the lot of mankind by opposing oppression and tyranny. – You can see how delicate this is and how easily it could blow up in her face.);

ii. she is a polarizing figure even within the Democratic party and part of the debate is going to be whether she can win on the national stage – my guess is that the Democrats are so used to putting up weirdos in the context of the national stage that this is not as big a problem as Republicans and more rational people think;

iii. Obama – this guy is taking off like a rock star and could easily capture the minds and hearts of the Democrats voting in primaries. The Governor-elect of Massachusetts, Deval Patrick had a similar rock star experience and sailed in with well over 60% of the vote. His victory shows how dangerous it is to dismiss candidates based on race or gender.

2. On the national stage, if McCain is the Republican nominee, his support of the war will cancel out Hillary’s. My guess is that the country is more likely to vote in a “moderate” republican than an ultra liberal Democrat, but much of this depends on how remote the memory of Republican corruption and bungling is and how things turn out in Iraq – for example, if we have withdrawn and left Iraq to smolder, while it may be occasion for a lot of “tut-tutting” there may be little impact on who the NEXT president is going to be. The mid-term elections showed a lot of voter dissatisfaction with Republicans over Iraq, but the closeness of many of the elections suggest that the voting populace does not see a shift to the Democrats as a panacea. If Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama can ignite the American imagination with a desire to see serious progress on social issues the Democrats can win easily. The days of Republican fear mongering seem to be over.

In short, I think the question of whether a woman or an African-American can win are national election issues and while there will be a few die-hard right-wing yahoos who will vote no for those reasons, the country has evolved substantially and I really don’t see this as an issue. It’s perhaps not safe to hold Massachusetts up as proving how the American people at large will vote (after all, this is the only state McGovern won) but Massachusetts has been at the forefront of much of what is positive change in American thought and a precursor for political change (after all, this is the only state that voted against Nixon – same election as McGovern!).

Cheerz ... Bwana
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BWEST OF BWANA

Earlier today, President Bush went about the annual ritual of pardoning the Thanksgiving Turkey. Actually, consistent with his practice, he pardoned two turkeys, Flyer and Fryer, and also announced that they were going to be sent off to DisneyLand in California to be honorary grand marshals of the Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Unfortunately, a strange thing happened during the Turkeys’ flight to California. The President received a frantic telephone call from Governor Mitt Romney of Massachusetts in which Romney asserted that he had received intelligence reports that Fryer and Flyer had joined forces, in a manner of speaking, and had been the groom and groom in a same-sex marriage on the flight to California. Romney called the President demanding that the pardon be revoked and the birds called back to active duty. “After all, Mr. President,” he said, “we are sending army and marine reservists back for second and third tours of duty, and I see no reason to treat the gay turkeys any differently.”

The President asked: “Well, how do you feel about Warren Jeffs marrying all those women?” Romney replied: “Well, Mr. President, I think he’s a turkey and I have never supported polygamy.”

The President called Senator John McCain to seek counsel and heard the familiar refrain: “Well, Mr. President, I’m opposed to gay marriage but I believe we should leave it to the states, so the question is what state were they flying over when it happened? I mean, if they were flying over Massachusetts, what the heck is Romney complaining about? Even New Jersey allows this sort of stuff.”

The White House operator called Romney back only to be told that the Governor was busy with the PSG – Polygamy Study Group. “Oh, I thought it would be a good counterpoint to the ISG – Baker’s Iraq Study Group” the scion of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints explained. “Besides, I think that McCain is disingenuous on this gay marriage stuff. You can’t have it both ways. I’m against it even though I was for it before I was elected Governor.”

“Sheesh, you sound a lot like that Ketchup … er, Kerry fellow,” the President said, as got on the phone.

The President thought long and hard and decided to revoke the pardons.

“We can’t have people running around behaving like turkeys … or turkeys running around behaving like people,” White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob said. “The President is rescinding the pardon heretofore granted. Those turkeys may be off to Disney Land at taxpayers’ expense, but this Administration is not going to have any goofy turkeys on our watch,” Snow quoted the President as saying.

Just then, Vice President Cheney stuck his head in the door. “Yeah, right,” the President said. “What’s that, Mr. President?” asked Cheney. “Oh, I was just talking about goofy turkeys. By the way, I hear that Lynne’s book is selling well since people found out that it has a description of a lesbian sex scene,” the President said. “By the way, Dick what is a Lesbian? You wouldn’t know, would you?”

“Well, Mr. President …” began Cheney.

“Oh, never mind,” said Bush, “I need to pardon somebody in lieu of the turkeys. I need another turkey or two to pardon.”

“Well, Mr. President, you could pardon me … you know, for shooting that lawyer in the face,” said Cheney. “I’ve thought about it” said Bush.

Laura Bush came in just then. “You know Bushie, you could pardon Mark Foley and George Macaca Allen,” she said.

“Well now, honey, I can’t pardon George Allen for denying that he was Jewish even though his mother is. The Jewish lobby would go berserck.”

“No, no, silly” Laura said, “you’d pardon him for calling that Indian kid a Macaca,” she said.

“Yeah, he is a big turkey, ain’t he?” said the President.

“Come to think of it Mr. President, you could pardon Saddam Hussein,” chirped Cheney.

“What’s that!!?” the President asked.

“Well, Sir, you know we accused him of killing Iraqis but come to think of it, Iraqis kill Iraqis,” so maybe we shouldn’t have blamed him.

“Dick, I don’t think I’m going to pardon you after all,” the President said. “By the way, when did you last get your pacemaker battery checked?”

Laura said, “Honey, I’ve made a list of people you can pardon. Let me see, Karl Rove, O.J., Haggard, Richards, Santorum, DeWine …”

“Stop, stop!” yelled the President. “This sounds like a turkey roast.”

Happy Thanksgiving all.
Cheerz…Bwana

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Labels: Bush, Bwana, Pardon, President, Thanksgiving, Turkeys

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BWEST OF BWANA

AN OCCASIONAL BREAKFAST WITH BWANA FEATURE

November 20, 2006

BAKER CANCELS WAR, BOOK, MOVIE AND ALL

Less than a week after the newly elected Democratic majorities romped home in the elections, the Baker Commission has issued a Fatwa canceling the forthcoming book and movie by Vice President Cheney titled “If I Had Won The War This Is How I would Have Done It .“

Baker Issues a Fatwa

The book, with an introduction by Senator John McCain featured a commentary on committing hundreds of thousands of additional, but nonexistent American troops to the fight in Anbar Province and to capture the remaining functioning electric power plant serving Baghdad.

The movie, loosely based on the book which was previously published under the title “The Yellow Cake Chronicles” was to star a dyslexic cowboy wannabe from Texas who despondent over his own success at avoiding military service, was bent on playing a macho warrior and destroying as much of world’s oil production capability as possible. “I always wanted Texas to be number 1 in oil” he said. Senator George Allen of Virginia said that the protagonist looked like a Macaca.

Macaca

"I and senior management agree with the American public that this was an ill-considered project. We are sorry for any pain this has caused the families of Iraqi people and American servicemen," Commission chairman James A. Baker, III said this afternoon in a statement about the incursion into Iraq for which Halliburton and Bechtel were paid billions in advances for publishing rights to the stories.

By the end of last week, at least 13 TV stations affiliated with the Fox broadcast network had told Fox they would not carry any more stories about the war.

In an interview that was to have been broadcast, Cheney talks about how he persuaded the President to issue orders to invade Iraq and, joined by outgoing Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, discusses how the war would have been won with a lighter, swifter army. “Ever since my days with getting Aspartame approved, I have believed that less is more,” Rumsfeld said. It is a tragedy that this war is being canceled just as we are getting to the sweet spot. Asked if he were hallucinating, Rumsfeld declined to comment, but Baker allowed as how “This guy is so wacky, he doesn’t know his saccharin from his sugar.”

By the time Baker put out his statement, Rupert Murdoch who had announced cancellation of the O.J. Simpson “confessional” saw returns from booksellers returning copies of "If I Did It," rivaling those of Cheney’s book.

On Thursday, when the storm of criticism of the war reached a crescendo, Cheney issued a rambling statement about how he intended to proceed full speed ahead with the Iraq locomotive even though the rail bed had been so fragmented that the train was off the tracks. White House Press Secretary Tony Snow sidestepped questions about Cheney’s mental health, stating that Cheney’s pacemaker battery had been among those recalled by Sony in the great laptop battery snafu.

"Our Commission feels very strongly that there is no beneficial interest to the continuation of this war except to bail the President out of what is the biggest foreign policy gaffe in American history” Baker said.

Baker said the Commission is still considering whether to allow former Secretary of State Colin Powell to broadcast a prime time special titled “If I Had Told The Truth At The UN, This Is What I Would Have Said.”

The Powell special is to be preceded by a duet performed by former Congressman Mark Foley and disgraced former Pastor Ted Haggard who was President of the National Association of Evangelicals, singing “If I Were Straight I Wouldn’t Have Eyes Only For You.”

Senator John Kerry reached for comment said he had watched an advance copy of the movie “but then, I watched it backwards in fast reverse, so that I could say I unwatched it before I watched it.” As Cheney watched and tried to bite his upper lip which kept getting away while it maintained its perpetual sneer, Kerry explained, “If I hadn’t voted for the war, I would have voted against it.”

Cheney Unsuccessfully Tries To Bite His Sneering Upper Lip

First Lady Laura Bush traveling with the President said she was less than thrilled to have to stop in Moscow for refueling. “I think at this point, Barney is the only one supporting him” she said.

Meanwhile, Judith Regan head of ReganBooks denied rumors that she intended to publish a book by Saddam Hussein titled “If I Had Hidden WMD, This Is Where I Would Have Stored Them.”

Cheerz…Bwana

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BWEST OF BWANA

AN OCCASIONAL BREAKFAST WITH BWANA FEATURE

November 18, 2006

THE GENERAL IDEA

Last Wednesday General John P. Abizaid, the chief wearer of brightly colored ribbons and stars bedecking a drab olive uniform testified before the Senate and House Armed Services Committees. You know instantly from looking at his freshly starched shirt and his perfect collar, that this man has his tie in a knot. Pretty soon, he ended up with his knickers in a knot. You also know instantly, that this guy, a General, described in the press as “the top American military commander for the Middle East” is not a fighting type. After all, you don’t go off to combat in a Windsor knot – you generalize (Popes pontificate, Generals generalize) about whether you need or don’t need more or less troops and whether it will or will not make any difference and whether or not you should stay in or get out or stay in partially or get out partially … or all of the above.

When I sat down to try to make sense of all this – yes, I did laugh at myself for even suggesting to myself that I might or might not make sense of all this, or part of it, or all of the above – I came away with a feeling of bewilderment suffused by dread. Pretty soon, I had my bewilderment and dread in a knot.

The General started by saying that he did not believe we needed more troops in Iraq and also that to begin a significant withdrawal of troops over the next six months would lead to an increase in sectarian killings and hamper efforts to persuade the Iraqi government to make the difficult decisions to secure the country.

The first part is easy enough. It is reflective of Administration policy and, led by the gently leading questioning of Senator Joseph Independent Lieberman, (I {nee D} Conn.) he restated what we have heard over and over again. I would expect nothing less … and indeed, nothing more … from the General. After all, President Bush says that troop levels are based on what the commanders have requested, so General Windsor-knot might have to give up a star if he said he did not ask for more even though he felt he needed more.

The second part, however, gave me a jolt. Does this mean that the Iraqi government is not already making decisions about securing the country? Does this mean that the Iraqi government has to be persuaded to make those decisions? Does this mean that somehow, if we begin pulling our troops out over the next six months, the Iraqi government will stop making such decisions as it has or may make?

How did this guy get to be the top American military commander for the Middle East?

General Multiribbon-Windsorknot Abizaid then said that we don’t need fewer troops in Iraq. Okay, I got that, we have enough troops. Then he said: “We can put in 20,000 more Americans tomorrow and achieve a temporary effect. But when you look at the overall American force pool that’s available out there, the ability to sustain that commitment is simply not something that we have right now with the size of the Army and the Marine Corps.” So, we need 20,000 more troops?

But then, our armed forces are so depleted that we cannot even commit to putting 20,000 more troops and sustaining that commitment.

That scares me. What scares me even more is that he has now confirmed to the entire world that America does not have a reserve of even 20,000 additional troops. How did this guy get to be the top American military commander for the Middle East?

Under questioning by other Senators, General knickers-in-a-knot Abizaid came up with a few more gems. He said that while more American troops are not needed, more Iraqi troops are necessary to quell the sectarian violence. Huh? Does it not follow, as the night the day, that American troops who are training Iraqi forces are perforce better trained themselves and more capable? Okay, okay, I’ll allow that one could argue that Iraqi forces are less likely to be viewed as targets by the Iraqis. But is that really true? If the Iraqi forces are not truly reflective of Iraqi society, i.e., Shia, Sunni, Kurd, then will not they too be viewed as allied with one sect? Indeed that is one of the problems now.

Senator Jack Reed, D-R.I., asked how much time the U.S. and Iraqi government have to reduce the violence in Baghdad before it spirals beyond control. General Knotted-knickers said, "Four to six months."

Hmmm… that sounds suspiciously like the four-to-six-month timetable suggested by Senator Carl Levin of Michigan.

How did this guy get to be the top American military commander for the Middle East?

Does all of this sound suspiciously familiar? Well, it should. Reproduced below is my Breakfast with Bwana piece from January 2005 (you can also find it in the archived posts on this blog). What have these guys been doing since January 2005? How did this guy get to be the top American military commander for the Middle East?

Scary, isn’t it? It sounds like the Democrats will now give the Administration 4-6 months since that’s what General Ribbons-in-a-knot asks, and it seems like the Administration will give the Democrats 4-6 months since that is what Senator Carl Levin and the leading Democrats ask. And, in the first slap at outgoing Secretary of Defense Donald “Strangelove” Rumsfeld, Abizaid also said that General Shinseki had been right in saying that a larger force was needed ab ovo but that egg came before the chicken that has laid the egg that is Iraq.

Whether Senators McCain and Levin are correct that more troops are needed, is moot since we don’t have more troops. The President’s continued posturing over military action against Iran may also be moot since we don’t have the forces to mount anything other than an aerial or technology war.

Cheerz…Bwana
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Luck Is Out Of Iraq

Breakfast with Bwana

JANUARY 29, 2005

LUCK IS OUT OF IRAQ:

At the beginning of this month, we took note of the commission given to General Gary E. Luck ("Luck-E Gary") by our Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, to go to Iraq and assess what was needed vis-à-vis the training of Iraqi troops and security forces.

As I pointed out then, Luck-E's report was to be "CONFIDENTIAL" for Rummy's ears only. Of course, they've leaked his preliminary findings. So, what else is new?

Before we get there, it bears noting that the spinmeisters at the Pentagon haven't stopped having conversations with themselves. They claim that Luck-E "knows the operation in Iraq well, having been a senior advisor to Gen. [deaf, dumb and blind] Tommy R. Franks" the video pin-ball wizard, at his wartime HQ in Qatar during the Iraq campaign in 2003.

Whoa, Nellie! Back in 2003, when Pin-Ball Whiz Tommy was conducting his video game war by remote control, there were no US troops (other than isolated Special Ops forces) in Iraq. And Luck-E was NEVER actually in Iraq. Now, he went there to assess what was needed to train IRAQIS. How could he possibly have had any expertise in that subject sitting in Qatar while an aerial bombardment campaign was being conducted?

The Pentagon goes on talking to itself and suggesting that Luck-E has a "degree of independence as a retired general" to recommend adjustments in policy. Sure, an inattentive, casual observer might think that a retired general has no axe to grind and would call the shots as he saw them. However, if the Pentagon is trying to talk itself into believing that this is truly a no conflicts, independent, hard-headed assessment, why would they have picked a guy who is currently a senior advisor to the military's Joint Forces Command?"

Now, if you are attentive and focused, you might think that Luck-E doesn't want to get UN-Luck-E and have his "senior advisor" consulting contract canceled. But, if you think that way, you are just plain cynical and probably giving comfort to the enemy - the enemy of waste and nonsense, that is.

Of course, back in early January, I had the temerity to suggest that the whole exercise was a waste of time and unnecessary. But, I guess if I were to say that Luck-E got a lucrative additional contract, probably with a "combat conditions" booster, then I'd be called cynical and an aider and comforter of the enemies of waste and nonsense too.

So, what did Luck-E "tentatively" report?

1. American troops must speed up training of Iraqi security forces.

How? By assigning more American trainers to work directly with the Iraqis being trained.

2. Shift the US military's mission after the January 30 elections, from fighting the insurgents, to training the Iraq's military and security forces to take over those security and combat duties.

How? By a step-by-step approach that would take months, if not years, proceeding at different paces in different parts of the country, depending on performance of the Iraqi troops.

Oh, and Americans would work closely with Iraqis in the most dangerous parts of the country, but would still take the lead combat role there.

No kidding. You don't say.

I think I've figured out why things are not going well for our troops in Iraq. Look at the leadership and how they spend their time.

If you were making decisions up front to implement a program of training Iraqi troops and security forces, wouldn't you know that you needed an adequate number of trainers? And would you wait for almost a year and a half before trying to assess why the program was not working?

But, I do feel safer, knowing that Pin-Ball Whiz and Luck-E are retired generals so we don't have to depend on them. I wonder though, who replaced them. Come to think of it, the guys in charge now continue to look to Luck-E for advice. Suddenly, I don't feel safer. Luck is really out of Iraq.

Cheerz....Bwana

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