Breakfast with Bwana

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BWEST OF BWANA

AN OCCASIONAL BREAKFAST WITH BWANA FEATURE

November 20, 2006

BAKER CANCELS WAR, BOOK, MOVIE AND ALL

Less than a week after the newly elected Democratic majorities romped home in the elections, the Baker Commission has issued a Fatwa canceling the forthcoming book and movie by Vice President Cheney titled “If I Had Won The War This Is How I would Have Done It .“

Baker Issues a Fatwa

The book, with an introduction by Senator John McCain featured a commentary on committing hundreds of thousands of additional, but nonexistent American troops to the fight in Anbar Province and to capture the remaining functioning electric power plant serving Baghdad.

The movie, loosely based on the book which was previously published under the title “The Yellow Cake Chronicles” was to star a dyslexic cowboy wannabe from Texas who despondent over his own success at avoiding military service, was bent on playing a macho warrior and destroying as much of world’s oil production capability as possible. “I always wanted Texas to be number 1 in oil” he said. Senator George Allen of Virginia said that the protagonist looked like a Macaca.

Macaca

"I and senior management agree with the American public that this was an ill-considered project. We are sorry for any pain this has caused the families of Iraqi people and American servicemen," Commission chairman James A. Baker, III said this afternoon in a statement about the incursion into Iraq for which Halliburton and Bechtel were paid billions in advances for publishing rights to the stories.

By the end of last week, at least 13 TV stations affiliated with the Fox broadcast network had told Fox they would not carry any more stories about the war.

In an interview that was to have been broadcast, Cheney talks about how he persuaded the President to issue orders to invade Iraq and, joined by outgoing Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, discusses how the war would have been won with a lighter, swifter army. “Ever since my days with getting Aspartame approved, I have believed that less is more,” Rumsfeld said. It is a tragedy that this war is being canceled just as we are getting to the sweet spot. Asked if he were hallucinating, Rumsfeld declined to comment, but Baker allowed as how “This guy is so wacky, he doesn’t know his saccharin from his sugar.”

By the time Baker put out his statement, Rupert Murdoch who had announced cancellation of the O.J. Simpson “confessional” saw returns from booksellers returning copies of "If I Did It," rivaling those of Cheney’s book.

On Thursday, when the storm of criticism of the war reached a crescendo, Cheney issued a rambling statement about how he intended to proceed full speed ahead with the Iraq locomotive even though the rail bed had been so fragmented that the train was off the tracks. White House Press Secretary Tony Snow sidestepped questions about Cheney’s mental health, stating that Cheney’s pacemaker battery had been among those recalled by Sony in the great laptop battery snafu.

"Our Commission feels very strongly that there is no beneficial interest to the continuation of this war except to bail the President out of what is the biggest foreign policy gaffe in American history” Baker said.

Baker said the Commission is still considering whether to allow former Secretary of State Colin Powell to broadcast a prime time special titled “If I Had Told The Truth At The UN, This Is What I Would Have Said.”

The Powell special is to be preceded by a duet performed by former Congressman Mark Foley and disgraced former Pastor Ted Haggard who was President of the National Association of Evangelicals, singing “If I Were Straight I Wouldn’t Have Eyes Only For You.”

Senator John Kerry reached for comment said he had watched an advance copy of the movie “but then, I watched it backwards in fast reverse, so that I could say I unwatched it before I watched it.” As Cheney watched and tried to bite his upper lip which kept getting away while it maintained its perpetual sneer, Kerry explained, “If I hadn’t voted for the war, I would have voted against it.”

Cheney Unsuccessfully Tries To Bite His Sneering Upper Lip

First Lady Laura Bush traveling with the President said she was less than thrilled to have to stop in Moscow for refueling. “I think at this point, Barney is the only one supporting him” she said.

Meanwhile, Judith Regan head of ReganBooks denied rumors that she intended to publish a book by Saddam Hussein titled “If I Had Hidden WMD, This Is Where I Would Have Stored Them.”

Cheerz…Bwana

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