Breakfast with Bwana

Breakfast with Bwana

DECEMBER 13 , 2004

FAT AS A FIDDLE:
OK, we can all relax and breathe easier now, what with Vice being still SOB (short of breath) as we have noted. Doctors at the National Naval Medical Center pronounced the President to be in a "superior" fitness category for men of his age.

There were some minor problems and one major problem noted. The minor problems included a small lesion on his left shoulder that had to be removed. Doctors theorized that this came from repeatedly throwing salt over his shoulder during the run up to the election. Doctors suggested no salt while the wound is open. The President also was said to have "a mild high frequency hearing loss that does not affect everyday conversation and an optic condition that has the effect of farsightedness and causes him to occasionally use reading glasses." Doctors were at a loss to explain the high frequency hearing loss since it usually affects only those who listen well. However, one of the audiologists noted that the moral majority has been agitating at an even higher pitch than before the election, so that this may be the price of rallying the troops. A joint committee of Opthalmic experts and Optometrists concluded that the findings on farsightedness were illusory and advised the President to continue his avoidance of newspapers so as not to create undue reliance on outside aids for focus.

The major problem is, of course, that ... well ... the Prez is a bit chunky. It seems that he has packed on almost six pounds since his last check up. President Jacques Chirac, taking note of the 2.7 kg adornment, gleefully called Gerhard Schroeder and said "Tros gros. Il est horrible." Chancellor Schroeder, not known for his linguistic prowess, asked "was sind Sie Jacques sagend?" The conversation ended soon enough.

The President himself emerged somewhat sheepishly after this annual peregrination that all presidents must endure to be palpated and poked by physicians prior to the public pronouncement of physical well-being, and offered this excuse ``I obviously have gone through a campaign where I probably ate too many doughnuts, if you get my drift.''

Upon hearing this, Bernard Kerik called his broker to inquire whether he had any uncashed options in Krispy Kreme.

Now, we were not satisfied with the President's explanation, so we called the First Lady. Mrs. Bush, as you know is wholly supportive of her husband, but delicately, with her usual charming smile gave a somewhat different prandial assessment of the cause: "Well, my husband has been occupied with elections quite a bit lately. There was the Afghan election and we're awaiting the election in Iraq and, then, of course, there was that horrible thing with John Kerry. I don't know about the doughnuts, but a lot of Republicans are saying that George ate John Kerry's lunch. I didn't see that when they got together for the debates and I don't know if that would account for the 6 pounds. Some even said that he put blue ketchup together with the traditional red ketchup, but I never saw that. It would have looked purple and I don't think I would have missed that."

The President rejects the notion that God wants him to be tubby. He has vowed to jog to church for prayers. News of this has caused a support group, the Holy Coalition of Obese Worshippers (Holy "COW") to say their firm behinds strongly support the President. No. Wait. They said they are firmly behind and strongly support the President.

At any rate, the Commander in Chief is back on the job full of fitness and almost 3 extra kg. The first order of business as he told Condi is: "Condi, this Kerik thing is an embarrassment. We have to find a new S-H-I-T."

"A new S-H-I-T? Mr. President?"

"Yes, Condi. That's Secretary of Homeland Intelligence and Terrorism."

"Omigosh, Mr. President, that kind of describes the job, doesn't it?" purred Condi. "But, you know, it was something else with Kerik. That the guy was Commissioner of Police and didn't know she was illegal. I mean, you could have knocked me over with a feather. And I told Colin Powell right from the get go that I had a bad feeling about Kerrik -- the name sounds too much like, well, you know, the election all over again."

"Condi, I'm hungry. I'd like a Krispy Kerry ... er Krispy Kreme."

The President is fit for duty. He is fat as a fiddle.

Cheerz....Bwana