Saturday, February 03, 2007
The President's Secret Message On Global Warming
______________________________________________________
BWEST OF BWANA
AN OCCASIONAL BREAKFAST WITH BWANA FEATURE
February 3, 2007
THE PRESIDENT’S SECRET MESSAGE ON GLOBAL WARMING
President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney, in a photo op event designed to rally support for the war on global warming appeared in polar bear costumes on glacial ice in the Bering Sea. The President’s helicopter, waiting nearby to carry them back to Air Force One, created the choppiness of the waves in the background.
President Bush may be a slow learner, but he is a learner. No longer is global warming on the back burner. No Sir, he is not going to let Al Gore score an Inconvenient Triumph at this late date. How do I know? Bwana has come into possession of a still secret draft of the President’s message on GLOBAL WARMING. It was dropped off to Bwana by a courier riding a scooter which was leaking a little oil and spewing a lot of exhaust gas, and it – the secret draft, I mean – is HOT HOT HOT.
The President’s message begins with the declaration: “My fellow Americans, I am here to announce that there is another war to be fought. First, I want to say that I appreciate the pleasure with which Vice President Dick Cheney has assisted me in making plans for this new war. In fact, he has forgone two hunting trips, much to the relief of some trial lawyers. Second, I want to express my appreciation to the Vice President for agreeing to go to Oklahoma on a personal visit to Senator Jim Inhofe to deliver my strong admonition that ignorance in the face of information is the trait of a closed mind.
The President’s message continues:
My fellow citizens of America, members of the Democrat Party, and leaders and citizens of the free world, and I must say my message is also for the benefit of those who are not a part of the free world, whether they are part of the axis of evil or part of the fledgling new democracies that our brave soldiers and troops and armed forces, who are in harm’s way, have been taking the lead in creating.
I have concluded that it is time for us to act. Although I do not read the newspapers, Laura has been reading some of the reports on Global Warming to me. Sometimes, when Laura is busy, Barney will go on the paper to highlight a particular story that I should read. You see, I sometimes feel that Laura and Barney are the only ones who care about me. And then, when Laura is not around, it’s just Barney. But, I digress.
This realization came to me when I discovered that Crawford is no longer the cool place it once was. Even Condi asked if we could meet in Palo Alto, closer to her old stomping grounds at Stanford and Don Rumsfeld – my, I do miss my old friend – wanted to meet at his new multi-million dollar waterfront estate in Maryland, rather than coming to Crawford for Christmas dinner. Then I looked around for reasons why Crawford is no longer a cool place and I noticed that Barney was dribbling all over The Nyoo Yawk Times. Barney is good about that, he has NEVER liked The Nyoo Yawk Times and its liberal bias. Sometimes I think they are throwing little neeyukiller barbs at me when they pick on me. Actually this time, Barney was drawing my attention to the article about the UN panel’s report on Global Warming. Thank the Lord that Kofi “Cupcake” Annan is gone and we have a South Korean Secretary General who understands that the axis of evil regime in PingPong (ed. he meant Pyongyang) cannot be allowed to have neeyukiller weapons of mass destruction, including The New York Times. But I digress. I did not have to look at The Nyoo Yawk Times since Laura had already read the story to me from Wapo (ed. he meant The Washington Post) and you can see it here. Far be it from me to put a link to the liberal rag out of Nyoo Yawk. Not that Wapo is much better, if you ask me, although I kinda like that Krautwhacker (ed. he meant Krauthammer) guy and that Flip Wilson fellow is on the right side (ed. he meant George F. Will).
So, my fellow Americans and members of the Democrat Party and members of the world, in whatever party or axis you may be. We need to bring this to a halt. We are going to have to take Global Warming off the back burner and turn up the heat in the kitchen. The first thing is that we have asked the CIA to conduct an intelligence audit of all known information. I have called on former Secretaries of State Henry Kissinger and Colin Powell, to present our case to the United Nations that China cannot be allowed to have any more automobiles because they are weapons of mass destruction in this war. Our first goal is to ensure that General Motors and Ford which elect their directors by a democratic vote of shareholders who appoint the officers – much like our electoral college which I sincerely appreciate – can survive the onslaught of claims brought on by runaway entitlements programs and benefits created by undemocratic forces in the union movement. In order to overcome the effects of this axis of laborers, we must see the need to allocate all future automobile quotas to GM and Ford. Hence, China cannot have any more automobiles. This will help cut down fuel use emissions for these cars from China so that we may safely use them for transportation in the United States.
Some might ask how and why we came to this conclusion about the need to take action against China. Well, as former Secretary Colin Powell was preparing a speech to be given to the United Nations, he said to me “You know Mr. President, the first part of ‘Global War-ming’ is ‘Global War’ so we may have a case for turning up the temperature here, so to speak.”
Well, I almost could not contain myself as I saw a revelation almost as if God was talking to me. So I turned to Henry Kissinger and said “Henry, what was one of the famous Chinese dynasties?” Henry almost peed his pants, right there in the oval spot in the Oval Office. Gosh, he reminds me so much of Barney. He practically shouted, “Mr. President, are you thinking what I am thinking? Why it is ze Ming dynasty! Mr. President, say you are thinking what I am thinking?” And I said, “Yes Henry, it is a sign from God that we need to take a strong stand against the Chinese and that this emission of methane and carbon dioxide came from the Chinese since the Ming dynasty … I mean ‘Global War MING’ Henry – could there be a clearer message from God?” Henry said, “You have got it, Mr. President, GLOBAL WAR MING!!! Hahaha, hahaha, Mr. President,” he roared. Henry went on: “Mr. President, it is shocking to think of how much methane and carbon dioxide a billion Chinese must fart everyday! Even Nixon never got that far.” And my friends, Henry laughed and when Henry Kissinger laughs, even The New York Times should report that.
My fellow Americans – and this is not for the rest of you to listen to – I have my legacy to protect and I don’t want to go down as the first President who couldn’t stand the heat in Crawford.
__
That my friends, is how decisions get made.
Cheerz…Bwana
__________________________________________________
BWEST OF BWANA
AN OCCASIONAL BREAKFAST WITH BWANA FEATURE
February 3, 2007
THE PRESIDENT’S SECRET MESSAGE ON GLOBAL WARMING
President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney, in a photo op event designed to rally support for the war on global warming appeared in polar bear costumes on glacial ice in the Bering Sea. The President’s helicopter, waiting nearby to carry them back to Air Force One, created the choppiness of the waves in the background.
President Bush may be a slow learner, but he is a learner. No longer is global warming on the back burner. No Sir, he is not going to let Al Gore score an Inconvenient Triumph at this late date. How do I know? Bwana has come into possession of a still secret draft of the President’s message on GLOBAL WARMING. It was dropped off to Bwana by a courier riding a scooter which was leaking a little oil and spewing a lot of exhaust gas, and it – the secret draft, I mean – is HOT HOT HOT.
The President’s message begins with the declaration: “My fellow Americans, I am here to announce that there is another war to be fought. First, I want to say that I appreciate the pleasure with which Vice President Dick Cheney has assisted me in making plans for this new war. In fact, he has forgone two hunting trips, much to the relief of some trial lawyers. Second, I want to express my appreciation to the Vice President for agreeing to go to Oklahoma on a personal visit to Senator Jim Inhofe to deliver my strong admonition that ignorance in the face of information is the trait of a closed mind.
The President’s message continues:
My fellow citizens of America, members of the Democrat Party, and leaders and citizens of the free world, and I must say my message is also for the benefit of those who are not a part of the free world, whether they are part of the axis of evil or part of the fledgling new democracies that our brave soldiers and troops and armed forces, who are in harm’s way, have been taking the lead in creating.
I have concluded that it is time for us to act. Although I do not read the newspapers, Laura has been reading some of the reports on Global Warming to me. Sometimes, when Laura is busy, Barney will go on the paper to highlight a particular story that I should read. You see, I sometimes feel that Laura and Barney are the only ones who care about me. And then, when Laura is not around, it’s just Barney. But, I digress.
This realization came to me when I discovered that Crawford is no longer the cool place it once was. Even Condi asked if we could meet in Palo Alto, closer to her old stomping grounds at Stanford and Don Rumsfeld – my, I do miss my old friend – wanted to meet at his new multi-million dollar waterfront estate in Maryland, rather than coming to Crawford for Christmas dinner. Then I looked around for reasons why Crawford is no longer a cool place and I noticed that Barney was dribbling all over The Nyoo Yawk Times. Barney is good about that, he has NEVER liked The Nyoo Yawk Times and its liberal bias. Sometimes I think they are throwing little neeyukiller barbs at me when they pick on me. Actually this time, Barney was drawing my attention to the article about the UN panel’s report on Global Warming. Thank the Lord that Kofi “Cupcake” Annan is gone and we have a South Korean Secretary General who understands that the axis of evil regime in PingPong (ed. he meant Pyongyang) cannot be allowed to have neeyukiller weapons of mass destruction, including The New York Times. But I digress. I did not have to look at The Nyoo Yawk Times since Laura had already read the story to me from Wapo (ed. he meant The Washington Post) and you can see it here. Far be it from me to put a link to the liberal rag out of Nyoo Yawk. Not that Wapo is much better, if you ask me, although I kinda like that Krautwhacker (ed. he meant Krauthammer) guy and that Flip Wilson fellow is on the right side (ed. he meant George F. Will).
So, my fellow Americans and members of the Democrat Party and members of the world, in whatever party or axis you may be. We need to bring this to a halt. We are going to have to take Global Warming off the back burner and turn up the heat in the kitchen. The first thing is that we have asked the CIA to conduct an intelligence audit of all known information. I have called on former Secretaries of State Henry Kissinger and Colin Powell, to present our case to the United Nations that China cannot be allowed to have any more automobiles because they are weapons of mass destruction in this war. Our first goal is to ensure that General Motors and Ford which elect their directors by a democratic vote of shareholders who appoint the officers – much like our electoral college which I sincerely appreciate – can survive the onslaught of claims brought on by runaway entitlements programs and benefits created by undemocratic forces in the union movement. In order to overcome the effects of this axis of laborers, we must see the need to allocate all future automobile quotas to GM and Ford. Hence, China cannot have any more automobiles. This will help cut down fuel use emissions for these cars from China so that we may safely use them for transportation in the United States.
Some might ask how and why we came to this conclusion about the need to take action against China. Well, as former Secretary Colin Powell was preparing a speech to be given to the United Nations, he said to me “You know Mr. President, the first part of ‘Global War-ming’ is ‘Global War’ so we may have a case for turning up the temperature here, so to speak.”
Well, I almost could not contain myself as I saw a revelation almost as if God was talking to me. So I turned to Henry Kissinger and said “Henry, what was one of the famous Chinese dynasties?” Henry almost peed his pants, right there in the oval spot in the Oval Office. Gosh, he reminds me so much of Barney. He practically shouted, “Mr. President, are you thinking what I am thinking? Why it is ze Ming dynasty! Mr. President, say you are thinking what I am thinking?” And I said, “Yes Henry, it is a sign from God that we need to take a strong stand against the Chinese and that this emission of methane and carbon dioxide came from the Chinese since the Ming dynasty … I mean ‘Global War MING’ Henry – could there be a clearer message from God?” Henry said, “You have got it, Mr. President, GLOBAL WAR MING!!! Hahaha, hahaha, Mr. President,” he roared. Henry went on: “Mr. President, it is shocking to think of how much methane and carbon dioxide a billion Chinese must fart everyday! Even Nixon never got that far.” And my friends, Henry laughed and when Henry Kissinger laughs, even The New York Times should report that.
My fellow Americans – and this is not for the rest of you to listen to – I have my legacy to protect and I don’t want to go down as the first President who couldn’t stand the heat in Crawford.
__
That my friends, is how decisions get made.
Cheerz…Bwana
__________________________________________________
